Relationships do not occur in a vacuum. We’re not merely a collection of random people who happen to be in the same organization at the same time. Once we join a group (including our families!) we become part of an emotional unit. Whether we like it or not, we are connected to the other members through a, sometimes, very powerful emotional force field.

We’ve probably all heard the phrase, “when mom’s not happy, no one’s happy.” We could easily replace

“mom” with
“the boss.” The point is the same. Other members’ behaviors and anxious, emotional reactions can quickly spread through the team. That’s the emotional force field in action. And in some cases it’s like wildfire.

Take the classic challenge of the deadline coming due with two different boss scenarios. The teams have 24 hours to get things done and there’s concern that they might not make it. In the one case, the leader’s anxious reaction is to bark sharp orders and raise his voice. People know that he’s nervous and ticked off. Instinctively most members of the team naturally cascade some version of these same anxious behaviors down the line…..and without even thinking about it! It’s natural; it’s instinctive. The team is stressed and resentful.

In the second scenario they feel the same pressure. However, this leader makes a point to watch her emotional reactivity and its impact on the system. She very consciously works to keep her tone of voice calm while still issuing directives. She is purposeful and very clear about what needs to be done and the implications if the deadline is not met. But she does this in a more calming manner and with a few gestures of appreciation. This tone, as well, get’s passed on down the line. Less stress and maybe even a positive charge.

So which team met the deadline? Maybe both did. But what collateral damage was done? You do the math.

To Do’s:

• Observe, watch the system that you’re part of.
• Do you see the emotional force field in play?
• What anxious reactive behaviors do you see?
• Can you see these spreading through the team or the organization?
• What, especially do, you see in yourself?
• Are there times or places where you could work to calm yourself down and stop the power of the force field?
• Where can you infuse a calming presence into the system?

Call it “soft.” Call it “HR stuff.” The bottom line is that leaders who cannot effectively manage themselves in the presence of others simply will not be that successful in their careers, ultimately. In the business environment as in any, no amount of IQ can make up for relationship savvy.

Even the smartest leaders are not prepared for the emotional side of business. Too often,when someone assumes a new leadership role they also assume that the people they’re working with will be level-headed and even-keeled. The problem is that’s often wrong. Most organizations and groups have a minimum level of emotional reactivity running through them. This means that sometimes people will not be responding thoughtfully, but emotionally. Outbursts of anger, conflict avoidance, gossip, back-biting, passive-aggressive resistance, etc., all could become the norm and not the exception.

People (and the organizations they comprise) are a complex mix of mind, body, spirit, emotions…..the list could go on. Too many leaders forget this and think that they’re working with computers. They completely negate this powerful, unpredictable, emotional force called the “human factor.”

Instinct alone will not be sufficient to manage relationships effectively. For the select few, their immediate responses to these kind of emotional relationship reactions might be the best response. But not for most. Even the most seasoned leader must begin by stepping back and observing……..themselves as well the system. They, literally, become students of their own and their group’s behaviors. The effective leader’s first response is to think about what is going on and not react to it immediately.

It’s not about “fixing” other people. It’s about managing yourself first. Somewhat ironically, the highest impact action for effective relationship management is to manage yourself first. Our natural inclination as a leader or boss is to believe we have to get people to do what we want them to do. We think it’s about them not me. In this instance, I’m talking about you, the leader, taking responsibility for managing yourself and your reactivity in the presence of others….especially when the heat is on and the emotional reactivity in the group is high. You always start with yourself.

So, two simple take-aways:

2) Recognize that the foundation for effective relationship management begins with you…….managing yourself first.

I’m absolutely convinced that one of HR’s most critical roles is to help business leaders manage employee relationships successfully.  I recall a very seasoned sales executive telling me, “I can sell ‘XYZ Corp.’ to anyone.  But when it comes to dealing with people issues, I need the experts.” She was a very successful business woman who also knew when she needed additional business expertise.  

So why is this a critical role for HR to play?

1 – People Issues are Business Issues.

  This is the crux of the matter.  Getting the most productivity out of one’s employees is the job of the leader.  People aren’t robots.  We’re a complex mix of mind, body, emotions and spirit.  When people are healthy and satisfied in these areas, their productivity is likely to be high.  But if any one or a combination of these is out of sorts, productivity suffers along with the individual.  And loss of productivity is a business issue, period. 

2 – HR Typically has the Expertise to Effectively Solve People Issues.

HR professionals must possess the skills to help leaders navigate the murky waters of human behaviors in the workplace.  The business expects that we know how to do this and we must deliver.  We also know the legal implications of actions that might be taken.  We should be, in essence, the resident experts in human productivity through our expertise in helping leaders solve complex people challenges.

3 – Solving Real Business Problems Helps HR’s Credibility.

When an HR professional can genuinely help a leader solve a very real business issue, our credibility as a true business person is enhanced.  Challenging people issues can keep even the most senior executives awake at night.  Wise counsel in helping them manage through these issues is invaluable.  HR professionals who can provide this to the business will be sought out.

Notice that I said, “wise counsel” not policy interpretation.  Our job is to help leaders wisely assess the situation, consider all the options and assess the various levels of risk.  This requires more than just interpreting policy.  There might be times when the best decision is the riskiest one.  Our job is to help guide the business leader to that best decision for the organization and the individuals involved.

Sharpen your skills.  Lead the business through your expertise.  Make an impact on your business.